Sunn O))) is a singular band with an undeniable sound and supremely annoying name. Just because “O)))” looks like the letter O being stretched out on a torture rack doesn’t mean one is supposed to pronounce that part of the name, as you recently found out. Last Friday you declared to all your friends that you have tickets to see “Sunn OHHHHHHH” this fall, sounding like Lion-O summoning the Thundercats in the theme song to the ‘80s show. That’s some rough sh*t right there.
We here at The Hard Times are experts on the subject of shame so overpowering that we have to relocate our entire existence. So here are 10 very liveable cities you can consider moving to in order to hide from indelible embarrassment.
Glen Burnie, MD
It’s not your fault that Stephen O’Malley and Greg Anderson are so obsessed with a guitar amplifier brand that they just HAD to name their band after it, logo and all. But it definitely is your fault for not looking up an interview with them on YouTube first to hear how Sunn O))) is said. So why not escape to a town with more problems than solutions just south of beautiful Baltimore? On any given day, your massive stupidity will be the least attention-grabbing sight in town.
Ludlow, KY
Consider this a recommendation for any town on the Bourbon Trail, but Ludlow is a particular favorite. Most people in these places are out-of-towner bachelor parties getting blackout drunk and blasting Dave Matthews Band on TouchTunes jukeboxes. Nary a doom/drone fan round these parts.
Wall, SD
The quirky town of Wall in South Dakota is much more concerned with their oddball tourist trap pharmacy Wall Drug than they are with your complete lack of cultural IQ. And in the unlikely event you start to get some heat from the locals, you can go camp in Badlands National Park to escape. Just don’t get bit by any rattlers.
Charleston, WV
You still want to enjoy drone metal, but you can’t engage in the metal community anymore. Where to go? The beautiful coal mines of West Virginia! There are few life choices more metal than condemning yourself to the mines of Appalachia. I can’t imagine a disease more kvlt-sounding than black lung.
Las Vegas, NV
If you hew close to the strip, you’ll be surrounded by tourists and transients. Safety! If you venture into real Las Vegas, you’ll find the only people on Earth with darker tales than yours. Pronouncing Sunn O))) incorrectly pales in comparison to the average ex-military junta escapee in a Freemont St dive bar.
Joshua Tree, CA
Everyone here is so high on mushrooms that they will never be able to devote all of their attention to bullying you. And once you settle in and go from microdosing to macrodosing, perhaps the divine psilocybin gods will inform you of the One True Pronunciation of Seattle’s finest drone metal act that no mortal has yet known.
Waynesburg, PA
Beautiful, rustic Greene County in Pennsylvania’s southwestern corner has only received new music up to the year 1992, so no one there is aware of Sunn O))) yet. Hell, you could go and start placing bets with people that a band called “Sunn O)))” will become one of the progenitors of a burgeoning style of metal and make yourself a cool $20. Keep reading The Hard Times for more financial advice.
Stone Mountain, GA
Stone Mountain is the home of Kenneth Parcell, subject of long-running documentary “30 Rock.” Based on his accounts of Stone Mountain, anything beyond the most fundamentalist Christianity is banned; you will never run into another fan of Southern Lord Records around here. It’s probably illegal to even say that record label’s name out loud.
Austin, TX
Austin’s population in the year 2024 is almost entirely full of posers, so “Sunn Ohhhhhh” is actually one of the many correct ways to say the doom/drone act’s name there. Enjoy your Tesla factory dorks.
Akron, OH
If you watch any film noir from the 1950s, the antihero protagonist is usually trying to escape the law by going to Mexico to start a new life because no one knows them there. 2024’s version of this is moving to Ohio. You have no friends in Ohio and none of your old friends will visit you here. You deserve Ohio and Ohio deserves you.
